Step by Step....

This afternoon when I came home I had a "slight lighter feeling" than over the past 2 weeks when everything which happened over the last 2 weeks felt very heavy and difficult to cope with. Bram has come back to Deventer on Tuesday. He was very happy to leave the hospital in Zwolle because he really didn't feel good over there and for me it is much easier to visit him here than driving off to Zwolle. It is a strange and very busy hospital he had his operation, and it felt like a "kind of factory" where patients came in and had to leave as quickly as possible when everything was fixed. The building is very dark with small rooms for patients,old and not very comfortable beds and a depressing atmosphere. They are building a new hospital right, now which will open in 2013 so I guess they leave it like it is. But on the other hand: the hospital is specialized in heart operations and it is the best place to go if you need on.

The hospital in Deventer is rather new (almost 2 years) and feels very good when you come inside. Spacious rooms and a nice interior. He has had a room for himself for 2 nights and is now placed in a room for 2. His room-mate is a 83 years old woman who is really friendly ,but doesn't have a clue that we are a couple. She was surprised that we hadn't find a woman in our life....

Physiotherapy has started today and he had to bring me to the elevator with a kind of "high rolling thing" He felt a little better than yesterday when he had fluid behind his lungs and very thick legs. With some medicine he gets now, it will go away.

Emotions go up and down also with me. There are often tears when everything gets too much for me. A friend yesterday said to me that "both our hearts are hurt heavily" and that is exact how I feel and it will take time that our hearts will be healed. For that reason I can't work at the moment. My doctor advised me not to go to work because that would take all my leftover energy, and it can't happen that I break down when he comes home. It was difficult for me to make this decision because I felt that I let my colleagues and students down. But after a lot of thinking and talking with friends I made the decision which feel right at the moment. Sleeping doesn't go well and days are filled with doing the laundry, buying things for him, visits to the hospital and dinner at one of the neighbours. Round 8 I am usually home. I make some tea, write sometimes a mail to friends and family, there are telephone calls to be done and I take some time for myself. I knit on a simple shawl, read a little or watch televison.

During the visits to the hospital I always take some photos for my album "Hospital Blues" on Facebook which really helps me to cope with everything and it focusses me on the positive side of everything.

"Step by step" is the way to do those things..and be aware of the positivity of all things happening after the operation. There is an amazing amount of love round us which really helps me now to deal with it. There are postcards,chats on the street, houses from friends who are always open for me to enter no matter what time it is. I often get the question: how are you doing? so I can tell and share my feelings and thoughts which really helps.

Time to go to back to bed now after I went earlier but couldn't sleep...