Hospital World

Bram is still in the hospital. Of course I had hoped that the progression would go faster but there are some complications which still need attention. So he has to stay in his double room which he has shared already with 3 different persons. On the right side of the unit is place for people with heart problems. First there was a 83 year old woman with whom Bram had a nice contact. Next there was a man who only liked to listen to horrible music (and he even sang while having his earphone in) and was keen on the ideas of Geert Wilders (never thought I would mention his name in my blog). Bram immediately told him that it was very bad for his heart to get into a discussion about the ideas of this man. So not a good company that was. And than there was a 91 year old man who -yes it is a small world- happened to be an uncle of our neighbour. He is on and off in the hospital but has given a big birthday party a few weeks before. He was a sweet and quiet man who cried a little every afternoon while we had a chat.

I feel my life has been taken over by a kind of Hospital life. I go there everyday, know the doctors and nurses, park my car or bike, take a coffee and sometimes wonder how fast you can get used to something which suddenly enters your life. It feels like a safe haven to be in and we both have great respect for the care the nurses give. Not only to him but also to me when things are not easy to me. A few times this week Bram fainted for a few seconds which is really scary to see. His blood-pressure drops when he coughs so his heart doesn't get enough blood. He panics, gets a red head and returns after a few seconds. They than take care of him but I also get some tea from a sweet nurse to calm down.

On Tuesday we also had talks with the social worker and the doctor about the state he is in right now. When I came in Bram told me they wanted him to leave the hospital this Friday or Saturday which sounded very odd to me. His legs were thick, he was very tired and nervous and his condition was(and is)very weak...Later I discovered that they wanted to put a little pressure on him to work harder which really doesn't work for him.The talk with the social worker went well, She was very clear, asked the right questions and gave good information.

For the meeting with the doctor I had prepared myself really well and her answers were clear. They are not sure if they can fix him and get his condition back while he stays in the hospital so it might be possible that he also has to go to a medical rehabilitation centre to get much better before going home. He has to come from a far. His condition before having the operation was very, very weak and that doesn't help to get better soon. So that might happen and Bram is really aware of that. Not a nice idea perhaps but in the state he is in now living here will be too heavy. Yesterday I had a little talk again with the doctor to make clear what kind of person Bram is and that pressure is not good for him. So probably next week a decision will be made.

It is strange for me to live alone in our house. I really miss him being around. No talks, no discussions, nothing together right now. Of course we talk when we are together in the hospital but that is so different and sometims talking is too much and we just hold hands. I am so aware of our relation over all the years and everyday memories turn up. We have met almost 28 years ago and in between that moment and now, so many things have happened.To stimulate each other was always a big topic. So I went to art-school and he started his own business after he got fired. We camped in Scandinavia and made great day walks in the mountains although we both have slight fear of height. He is really the love of my life and that is why it sometimes so hurts to see him in this state. This bright and lively person has become a nervous and fragile man who struggles with the way he is and feels now.Being positive is the only thing I can do for him and for myself. At the end I still believe he will get better but it will take some months. We have to take a deep breath every day for the coming months to survive this. But we will arrive from this trip safe and healthy.

For me: some days go well and some days I feel so tired that I am so happy the neighbours in our street invite me to dinner (they have even made a schedule for me). Sleeping is still a bit of a problem but with the help of a melatonin tablet and a little reading till my eyes close it more or less goes. To relax has always been difficult for me but I try to do it also. My mind can't handle much, so knitting in the evening helps me to keep myself calm. It also has to be a simple knit so I am knitting now further on my "Old man of Storr" shawl in Kauni yarn (only 30 rows to go) And I am spoiled by gifts I got from my knitting friends Puk, Marjoleine and Evelien with these beautiful yarns. Not sure yet what to knit out of it but it will be beautiful!!