Reflection....

Weeks have gone by without writing a post. Guess too much on my mind was the reason and the joy of having Bram at home was part of it too. It felt as a new beginning in a way and there was no need to write. Just enjoying the days spending with him was the main part of my life after all the weeks he wasn't at home. Bram looks much better. The colour of his skin is very good and he returns in a way the way he was. Wicked and naughty and with a sparkle in his eyes. My "old Bram" has returned. It is the Bram I fell in love with almost 28 years ago.Opposite of me in a way but our connection has become so strong over al the years we are together. He now can walk a little stroll into town which he couldn't do for such a long time (the last time I drove him in the wheelchair) and the first time we walked to the little coffee shop I felt so good. So long ago we walked together in town.

I feel that now my time of dealing with it all has arrived and next to al the happines there are also moments of fear, sadness and realizing that all could have been so different. I could have lost him and would be alone now which is a very frightening feeling in a way. We all will leave one day planet earth and I know logically he will go first and he is older and nature is like that...but that brings a lot of uncertainty in a way to me. Realizing this all makes me slightly uncertain and over the last weeks I have cried a lot which is a huge relief. The visits to the psychotherapist really helps me a lot.It clears my mind and gives a lot of insight in myself. I have been so much in contact with the real things of live we have to deal with. Death, fear of loosing, Life in all its glory, Relief, Anger and Pain and Sorrow...It will take some more time to heal it all. In a way I am so blessed that he is still with me and that we are surrounded by so many loving people who took so much care of us.

I have started work a little over the last weeks and I did teach my first 4 lessons last Monday and Tuesday which all went very well. Young people can be so touching. After telling all that has happened to me to a 2nd year class one of the students said that she felt special because I did share the story with them and that it was the first time a teacher spoke so open about his personal life. For me it is important to be open and I have found out over the past that being open gives you a lot in return. The coming weeks till the holiday will be about 2 days in school on Monday and Tuesday and after the holiday I will pick the Thursday with it and in the next semester the plan is that I will work 4 days as usual. School and the Doctor of the school are very supporting and I am grateful for that. Going back to school was not a big step for me, but coming back after a few months gives me a fresh look to it. Some of my colleagues are ill or part-time returning at the moment and that puts a lot of pressure to the team. I have missed them and my students over the past months and realize now how important my work is for me.

As mentioned before: knitting has helped me to come over it in a way. Stitch by stitch..But at home it was sometimes as living in a yarn store. Over the years I had bought so many different yarns and it would take years to knit it all away. I am simply such a yarn lover....cashmere, 100% wool, silk, hand-dyed..it can all bring me in a kind of heavenly mood. Had it all my life..when I see yarn: I have to touch it....and when it is beautiful it was time to buy. Big Ikea boxes were filled with beautiful sock-yarns, Shetland leftovers, Icelandic Lopi yarn and many, many more.This really isn't all I have.... This is I guess called: ADDICTION!!!! Time to make a step...On Ravelry I did start a group called: Cold Sheep, which means that you are not going to buy yarn over a certain period. My idea was not to buy yarn till November 2011 with books and needles not included. Getting yarn or swapping is not a problem, and the yarn I ordered before going C.S. was not included. I did win a beautiful skein of lace yarn in a colour competition from Easyknits (should have met Jon today in Amsterdam but due to no flights from London cause of heavy snow we sadly won't meet up) and a few days later some yarn from Malabrigo (soft as butter), Shibui and Madeline Tosh arrived (had to pay 22 Euro Tax!!!). I swapped some yarn to get 3 skeins of Shelter to knit a green version (named Button Jar) of the Wayfarer scarf from Jared Flood after I knitted this red version. The yarn is wonderful to knit with. Very authentic, slightly sturdy when you knit with it, but gets really soft and drapey after a soak in soapy water. So now is the time to finish all my WIP's (Work in Progress) as there are: a pair of socks a beaded lace shawl, a top down sweater, a cardi, 2 scarves and a secret project....so plenty to knit the coming season.

I still have the plan to write more about the last holiday on Shetland: more about the great lunch with Jared, Ysolda, Jess and Casey, about lace, about the wonderful items from the Shetland museum... so that will come soon, I promise..

P.S.. Forgot to show: When Bram was in the rehab centre I made those cushion covers from fabric from Timorous Beasties. It is the Glasgow toile and it shows not only the nice side from Glasgow. Matched them with some Harris tweed.. and I love them.