It's 2 weeks now....

Bram is now 2 weeks in the Rehab centre and there is a certain progress. But it is - of course in the state he is in- little steps forward and sometimes the step he wants to take is too big. It is not easy for him to be there. Hardly any people he feels comfortable with and for a social person as he is that is hard to deal with. Of course I go there everyday and of course there are friends and family who visit him, but I can see and feel sometimes that he really would like to go home.I can understand that of course but on the other-hand he is not capable right now to do this. He looks good (as you can see in picture below)but that doesn't mean he is well and capable to go home. And if he comes home everything must be organized to make life easy for the both of us... Last weekend we did see grandson Jim after more that 3 months of not seeing him and it was touching to see him together with Bram. It has done us both well!!

One of the things why he can't come home is that his condition is still very weak and he is still very tired after a day. It all goes slower than he had hoped but on the other hand: it is only 5 weeks ago he had his myocardial infarction and 4 weeks ago he just had his operation so to be honest I don't think according the state he was in before it all happened he is doing well.

On Friday he got luckily another room to live in. In the room next to him a men stayed who has had a stroke and who screamed loudly during nights and who kept him awake and in another room in the corridor a woman also was very loud during the nights. So I found him Friday in a very sad state cause of the lack of sleep he had for some nights. We had a talk with a nurse and he got offered another room in another corridor. He is more happier now. The room is nicer and the view is nicer and he can see me enter and leaving the building. Quietness and silence is very important for his healing process.

But I now can see the reality of staying in a rehab centre. You have to be very active as a partner to get things done in the way you want them to happen and mustn't be afraid to ask for things. But it all goes slowly and you have to step forward if you want something extra. An example: we have had a talk (Friday before last Friday)with the doctor and he suggested to have a meeting with the speech therapist. Bram sometimes comes in a state of hyperventilation because of a wrong way of breathing. Nothing happens for almost a week.

I asked for it after 3 days....Is that so??....Yes, I will look for it in the papers.....Yes, we will arrange.....Nothing happens.....Ask again....O Yes.....We should have asked....at the end on Friday afternoon the speech therapist suddenly enters his room telling him that he has an appointment now...

I know you really can't blame al the staff for this. It is very busy and demanding job with a low salary. Not many young people want to do this kind of work in such surroundings. Last week I had a talk with some staff members telling them that I really think they were doing their utmost in the best way they could and that I was grateful for the things they were doing for Bram. They told me they hardly ever get such a compliment. They get more complaints than compliments which is really not right.

One of the strange things happening (talking about how to treat patients!!! or better how NOT to treat them) over the last week was a meeting with a man who -it was after all National Animal Day- set up a kind of farm inside the centre. There were chickens, rabbits, a little pony and donkey, little pigs and much more We had sat outside and just came in when almost all people were gone. We had a little chat with this men and he suddenly gave Bram a pig in his arms to hold and told me: yes.. it is so good for them to have these animals in their arms.. they immediately go back to their youth..it's healing when you are in such a state. He must have thought that Bram was demented so we helped him out of his dream!!!!!

Yesterday I took Bram for a little drive to a restaurant for a coffee and to have a little change in the day.He really was looking forward to it and really wanted to try it. Mixed feelings for the both of us afterwards. It was nice: we had a coffee outside in the sun, but on the other hand he and I could see that it was a too big step. He is still very fragile when you see him walking with is stick and was very tired afterwards. But it was in a way good to do this to see were his limits are and today we will stay home and make little walk round the pond.

And for me: up and down in emotions but yesterday afternoon I felt for the first time in all these week slightly depressed and had a hard time to deal with it. Tried everything (talk with a friend on a terrace,some shopping to cheer me up) but nothing really helped. At the end I decided to go for a little nap which more or less did well. I woke up when I heard a friend (who has the key from our house) entering and telling me that she had made some pumpkin-soup for me and she gave me a big Hug. Sleeping is still a bit of a problem so my doctor gave me some sleeping tablets (no, don't be afraid for addiction from my side) which helped for some nights. I try not to take them every night but only when I really need them, when I am really feeling exhausted.

I had a really good talk with the company doctor who invited me to come and tell the reason why I can't work at the moment. She was very emphatic and really could understand my feelings and lack of energy and that working for me now is too much. Next week she will give me a call to hear how am I doing. I started talks with my former psychotherapist with the idea to deal with my emotions and to get everything more into perspective. We had a very good first meeting and in 2 weeks time I will go again. I have to take care of myself too I feel otherwise I can't be there for him.

Knitting is one of the things I can do. Only simple things like scarves and hats. It seems that my mind can't do complicated knits. I did finish a big shawl which I did started when Bram was just in the Hospital. Probably a friend will get it but till than it hangs over a chair in the living room.

In Knitty I found a lovely knitted Heart which I did knit for Bram. A soft and extra heart, just in case he needs it. It was lovely to knit this with him in mind during all the stitches I knitted. When I had finished it I had to cry. Not difficult at all and with the little box I made to it it was a lovely gift to give. We both were touched when he opened the box.

Last night I just started another scarf (Wisp from Knitty) in Noro Silk garden sock yarn from my stash. There is yarn on it's way from the U.S.A. for the Clockwork scarf.

I still take pictures for my Rehab Blues photo project which helps me to deal with it all....

I am absolutely sure that at the end all will be fine, but dealing with it is not easy every now and than. Being positive is the best thing you can do but that also is not always easy. There are days when I come home in the evening when I feel kind of lost from everything. Not lost from friends (I get my attention) but lost from my safety and lost from my living in our house with the person I most love.The best thing than is to make me some tea and rethink and reflect about the day to get everything in the right perspective and to get something positive out of this period..