For the Love of Textiles

At exact 11.30 hrs. this morning I posted a picture on Tumblr.. and 1 minute later I linked it to Facebook.. It was very important for me to do this. I took this picture yesterday, to be used today.. 11.30 hrs.. the moment his soul did fly away...26 weeks ago. This is the first half year for me without him. I have managed so far... When you would have told me last year I wouldn't have believed that. That it would be possible to go back into life. I always thought that if that would happen to me I couldn't manage it. That I wouldn't be able to laugh anymore.  The opposite is true in a way.  I remember that I even laughed in the afternoon when he had passed away. I can go back to that Tuesday, and I see everything very clear. It is totally not a vague memory.  I have seen and felt everything with a clear mind. Very aware of the moment. And I did see him go. Leaving Earth. I am back at work.. I volunteer at the thea...

Yesterday was my birthday. I have turned 55. It was strange to wake up alone after an evening full of tears before the morning. No one next to me to give me a kiss and a present, as I was used over the last 30 years. First time... there have been many "First Times" over the last months.  First time going to a party alone..and first time coming home alone after that party... First time going on holiday alone..and first time coming home alone... First time cooking a meal for me alone..and eating it alone....  (to tell you the truth..I hate cooking at the moment..and I used to love it..) First time sleeping alone in our double bed... First time telling people that he had passed away...(that still happens..) First time going to the market and realizing that you don't need that amount of oranges anymore.. And there are more...many more First Times... Living alone after living together for so long will take a lot of time to get used to it.....

I can't write a blogpost at the moment.. Yes, I do write letters to friends... I bought paper... And, yes, I do use his fountain pen. But I don't see a reason at the moment to write about my sadness, grief, mourning, tiredness, panic, being nervous, feeling lonely...and all other feelings which suddenly can pop up in my body, mind and soul.. And that I feel....it gets harder by the day..despite the fact that friends hold me. And YES.. I so miss him... Touching his skin.. His eyes...his voice.. Even the Intensive care for him.. He is everywhere in our house...and under my skin.. Bram&Jan is still one word.. I can't write..not now..but it will come back... Instead of writing I take one photo a day and place it HERE on Tumblr.. Love you all and thank you  for all the comments on my previous blogpost.