For the Love of Textiles

For this weekend the plan was,to plant red tulip bulbs on Bram's grave on Saturday and to do some heavy gardening in our garden on Sunday.  Yes, I still feel it is "Our garden", and for the moment it is still difficult to write "My garden". I have never been a real gardener myself. Bram was the one in our relation who always did the garden, and I was the one who enjoyed it. He was not a man with plans for the garden. In a way, that was more or less his attitude towards life in general. Not too much planning, and see what will happen. The funny thing is that in his work he was totally the opposite. His designs really needed planning, and he was good in that. A few years ago it was time for me to step in. Bram had no more energy to do the work after his aneurysm operation. The garden had become a mess. Everything was over grown with weeds, and our little City garden behind our historic home really needed some work to be done. I remember a bit chilly Autumn...

Yesterday was my birthday. I have turned 55. It was strange to wake up alone after an evening full of tears before the morning. No one next to me to give me a kiss and a present, as I was used over the last 30 years. First time... there have been many "First Times" over the last months.  First time going to a party alone..and first time coming home alone after that party... First time going on holiday alone..and first time coming home alone... First time cooking a meal for me alone..and eating it alone....  (to tell you the truth..I hate cooking at the moment..and I used to love it..) First time sleeping alone in our double bed... First time telling people that he had passed away...(that still happens..) First time going to the market and realizing that you don't need that amount of oranges anymore.. And there are more...many more First Times... Living alone after living together for so long will take a lot of time to get used to it.....

What to write on my blog I ever ask myself... Will I ever write as I did before about my life? 16 weeks ago there was the funeral. It will always be a sad and beautiful memory. To share this with my friends...my chosen family was very special to me... Many things have happened over the last months since Bram passed away, but I couldn't see a reason to write about them.  Neither was it an option for me to write about my sadness, mourning and grieve. Yes, I do miss him...I miss him every second..no doubt about that... It would be strange not to feel this after more than 30 years with this beautiful and special man.. He turns up everyday in my mind.. Mourning is a strange and unknown part of my life.. One moment you feel good...than...a noise..a smell..a look...tears and more tears. Unexpected...it can hit me any moment.. No need to give me advice...I have got to know myself quite well over the last years. I know what to do when I feel lost and sad..becau...